Raising Resilient Girls
At our recent Speaker Series event for parents, on the topic of raising resilient girls, the expert panellists highlighted the importance of learning to ‘feel comfortable being uncomfortable’.
Our guest speakers suggested that resilience is not about enjoying feeling uncomfortable, but accepting that it is a normal part of life; learning how to cope with that discomfort is key. At South Hampstead, we often refer to resilience development for our pupils as being akin to progressive resistance training, such as that undertaken by athletes; each situation requiring resilience builds on the last, and our accumulated strength and confidence grows from each of those experiences.
As parents, we accept that babies and very young children will cry when things don’t feel comfortable for them. But, as they get older, we start expecting them to be able to recognise the flood of emotions for what they are – and to find solutions to those problems themselves. When parents tell their toddlers to ‘use their words’ during a meltdown, they are invoking early-stage resilience by encouraging them to engage with a coping strategy. Sometime between this very early developmental stage and the big challenges of adulthood, young people need to find ways to deal with life’s difficulties. That doesn’t mean they stand alone, but it does mean that they are resourced to access support from others and to engage in self-soothing techniques. Ultimately, they need to regulate their emotions sufficiently to be able to think constructively about how to navigate their own way through.
Childhood and adolescence is the time when this progressive resistance training needs to take place. Young people must be encouraged to find ways to cope with their discomfort in an increasingly independent way. They really don’t need adults to simply take away the source of discomfort; to do so repeatedly would deny them a vital learning opportunity, and teach them that the adults think they can’t cope. Although the parental urge to do this for a distressed young person is very powerful, to simply remove the stressor can inadvertently teach them that they can’t do it and that they are right to feel overwhelmed – precisely the opposite of what they need to learn!
As educators and parents, we can be proactive about guiding personal growth. Girls need to be exposed to challenges. They need to regularly feel a little bit uncomfortable. This could mean that they come to school on a day when they’re feeling tired or under the weather; it may be about embracing something a bit daunting and potentially failing; it could come in the form of persevering through a difficult week, when there are multiple events or assessments or more homework due. We need to help them to understand that sometimes life is just like that; all the events come at once. They need to challenge their resilience muscle now, while the stakes are still fairly low, in order to have the strength and confidence to engage it fully when the situations are harsher.
At South Hampstead, an important part of our Personal, Social, Health & Economic Education (PSHEE) curriculum is our specially-designed Positive Perspectives course. This is a set of lessons taught each year in Years 7 to 9 and again in the Sixth Form, through which pupils learn and reflect on their own coping strategies, building their toolbox of resilience. Our tutors and pastoral team also regularly use a coaching style with the girls, helping them to understand what they can do to help themselves thrive and how they can design their own strategies for getting through difficult times.
As educators and parents, knowing when to step back is as important as knowing when to step in.
Whatever the challenges are, we are here to support the girls. Resilience involves proportionate reaction to what life deals us – and children take their cues from the adults in their lives. The girls look to us to determine how worried they should be when difficult situations arise. As educators and parents, knowing when to step back is as important as knowing when to step in. If we stay calm, encouraging them to accept where things are at the moment, and strategise towards something a little better, they are much more likely to be able to do just that themselves.
Senior Deputy Head, Ms Brass, heads up the pastoral programme at South Hampstead High School, which aims to equip all our girls to be architects of their own happiness.